Loss and Complications

Loss and Complications

Partners and loss

Partners grieve a loss too, often in a different shape: quiet, busy, angry, or late. Grieving differently is not grieving less.

General research · seeking a stewardpregnancypostpartumAlso searched as: husband after miscarriage, partner grief, grieving differently

What it is

The husband after miscarriage, or any partner after a loss, is often the forgotten mourner. Everyone asks how she is. Nobody asks him. Partner grief is real and often arrives in a different shape: going back to work early, fixing things, going quiet, or anger.

After stillbirth and infant loss, partners show high rates of depression and PTSD too.

What's typical

Grief researchers describe two styles. Intuitive grief is felt and spoken: tears, talking, needing company. Instrumental grief is done: tasks, work, projects, silence. Partners often lean instrumental and get read as cold. Mothers often lean intuitive and get read as not coping.

What's known

Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin named these styles. Studies of couples after stillbirth find that most stay together, and that those who talk about the baby, even badly, do better than those who avoid it.

What helps

  • Each of you say, out loud: 'This is what my grief looks like.' Then believe each other.
  • Find a loss group for partners. PSI and Share both run them.

When to call someone

  • Noweither of you has thoughts of ending your life. Call or text 988.
  • Todaya partner is drinking more, raging, or has shut down for days.
  • At your next visityou are not talking, or trying again is a fight. Ask for a couples therapist who knows loss.

Who helps

Perinatal therapistFamily and community resourcesPostpartum doula

Tools: My Birth Team

Related

What mothers here say

No one has posted under this topic yet. The first experience here will help the next mother who searches for it at 2 a.m.

Share your experience, or ask

Sign in with Google to post under this topic. Your first name and photo come from Google; you can change what shows later. No membership needed.

Experiences and questions are their authors' own, not reviewed advice. The topic's steward lists the ones that help most in a credited digest once there is one. Unusual experiences stay, with a note.

Sources

  • Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin — Grieving Beyond Gender (book)
  • Postpartum Support International — Help for dads and partners
  • Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support — Support for fathers and partners

Sources are named, not yet linked. The steward verifies each one and adds the link.

Steward this topic

Birthworkers listed in our directory can claim a topic, verify its sources, and curate what mothers share here. Your name and credential go at the top of the page. Takes about an hour the first time.

Find your directory page

The Mothership Topic Wiki is general information for mothers and the people who care for them. It is not medical, legal, or mental-health advice and does not create a provider relationship. Experiences posted by members are their own. In an emergency call 911. If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988.